Posted on:Oct 28 2020
It's worth repeating -
Good
things
take
time.
When you think about it, apart from winning the lottery, a last-second hail Mary, or an unexpected inheritance, it’s hard to imagine sudden good news.
Virtually all of the happiness-producing processes in our lives take time, usually a long time: learning new things, changing old behaviors, building satisfying relationships, raising children...which is why patience and determination are part of the constellation of life’s primary virtues.
Which may partly explain why we struggle with things that don’t happen quickly or easily, why people who do put in the time and work and are able to delay gratification, who MO the long view/slow burn approach, are rare and special birds.
We’ve become an impatient people. Our personal speed limits are ticketable, or maybe sit in high idle... Either way, quick and easy won’t work when it comes to one of the most important endeavors of our life, that of getting to know another person.
In my last blog, we looked at a pandemic trend in the dating world - meeting over video chat and having conversations that more quickly venture into more meaningful self-disclosure territory.
Ha, move over “How’s the sex?” - here comes “How’s the conversation?” !
Conversation, done well, can accomplish a lot of work, not least weed out people to avoid.
With so much communication happening in a rather distracted, impersonal way through emailing and texting, often enhanced with the unhelpful habit of airbrushing, and with a lot more hanging around the house, maybe your conversational skills are a little rusty. Obviously there’s no substitute for IRL - think pheromonal chemistry - but hey, we have the video chat tool so let’s use it well. Maybe from the safety of our homes, we’ll feel more relaxed as we venture into seeing and being seen with a new person. Remember, we’re leveraging upsides in this wack world.
What follow are some conversation rumble strips to help you stay awake at the wheel. Because, one conversation at a time, in person or online, we’re building something and it’s really worth going slowly and paying attention.
It’s also worth being real. I know, “real” may be scary, but actually, when you think about it, it’s the “unreal” conversation we should be scared of.
So. What happens when you put your reality out there? I’ve found that something within us responds deeply to people who level with us...there’s an amazing grace to those who engage without defense. Authenticity isn’t something you have, it’s something you choose and it's a powerful attractor. Imagine that freeing our true selves, releasing that energy, is like setting ourselves ablaze - others are attracted to the warmth and add their own logs to the fire. 😊
It must be said : please be sure your bullshit meter is operational. If something sounds too good to be true, pay attention; with time, inconsistencies eventually show up, things either add up or they don’t.
Of course. Basic. Eye contact. If someone never or rarely looks me in the eye, that’s a serious red light.
What quality of attention are you each bringing to the conversation?
Pace self-disclosure. Fire-hosing it isn’t all that attractive.
Are you being talked at or talked to?
Are you talking at or talking to?
How about interrupting? Is that a thing?
Polite is good, but recognize the difference between “polite” and “doesn’t get below the surface.”
Same for being interpreted vs. being understood - the former feels wrong, the latter feels like Home.
I tend to believe that the quality of our lives has a lot to do with the quality of the questions we ask. And the quality of our answers. Be thoughtful. Be genuinely curious. What do you want to know? What matters to you?
Without too-soon sex blurring our thinking (maybe a drunk driving analogy?), presumably we can pay clearer attention to how what we’re learning about the other person meshes with who we are and where we want to go with our life. Know your deal-breakers. Stick to them. You get what you tolerate.
Much of getting to know a person starts with knowing yourself and trusting your instincts, but it’s also about obeying your instincts. We know things. We sense things. We know before we know as the realization walks up our spine. We don’t necessarily know how or why we know things. We just do. If, for whatever reasons, we ignore these messages, if we bend rather than be honest, well, that kind of swerving sooner or later lands us in the ditch.
As you travel along your conversations, look for signs of kindness, caring, consistency, patience, respect, responsibility, courage, flexibility, openness, optimism, a sense of humor - they’re on the long-haul durability list.
Likewise, recognize the signs of selfishness, negativity, condescension, blaming, bullying, sarcasm, rudeness, unpredictability - these just don’t wear well. And, in the throes of heady romance when it all seems so mysteriously perfect, they can take awhile to show up.
There’s sure a lot to pay attention to, one conversation at a time.
Here’s to the role of time, patience, and reflection in helping us find and build satisfying relationships.
