Posted on:Oct 18 2020
Over 7 months into this pandemic, we’re all feeling how just about every aspect of ordinary life is being challenged on a daily basis, even hourly. It’s easy to feel lonely right now. Whether you’re single or not, we all seem to be contemplating our closest relationships and how we cultivate connection in the midst of a crisis.
Those of you who’ve been online dating for awhile may have noticed a shift during these pandemic months, a different kind of subscriber perhaps. What might explain the March 29th eye-popping, record-breaking 3 billion Tinder users swiping to connect, or OKCupid’s 700% increase since the month of March ?!!
Clearly something’s going on here and, eternal optimist that I am, surely we can find some upsides in this rising trend of online dating in the COVID-19 world.
Why am I thinking about this? Well, because I was pretty content being single before the pandemic, but, honestly, these days I’m having a harder time dealing with being alone...I miss the normal social interactions of daily life, that accidental, serendipitous possibility of meeting a POI while out and about doing ordinary life. So much hanging around the house and using screens for connection is ugh depressing, zesty mojo is somewhat muted.
So whether out of loneliness or climbing-walls boredom, maybe it’s time to try online dating, or at least have some fun taking a look at what’s going on.
It could be age or die-hard, old-fashioned sentimentality speaking, but my unscientific research shows I’m not alone in feeling some sort of ambivalent murky stigma around, “We met online.” At least pre-pandemic. Now, in the thick of it, the above-mentioned stats clearly speak to a trend that makes meeting online more socially acceptable.
Wow, what if meeting online becomes something to actually brag about ?!
What would it take to get us (me) to that point?
I googled around and, sure enough, I found articles on how singles are doing online dating during a pandemic and learned there are indeed some important upsides. According to Helen Fisher, chief scientific advisor at Match.com and senior research fellow at The Kinsey Institute, now is an “excellent time” for singles to date. I know, right?
Quick pause for words of caution : You still need to be aware, people. Online dating has been around long enough now that we know the pitfalls around lying, superficiality, scams, harassment etc. Opt in with eyes open.
That said, here’s what’s happening, in case you didn’t already know - video chats are in and chit-chatty small talk is out.
With social distancing and with so many first-date spots closed, people are flocking to video chats.
Which means money and sex are off the table!!
And this is good? Absolutely! No more fretting about who picks up the check for those designer cocktails. Sexy banter notwithstanding, questions about kissing or coming in for the proverbial nightcap - poof - gone.
Instead we are forced to take things sloooowly. We can get to know someone before the kissing starts, which sounds to me like a most-welcome throwback to the days of traditional wooing and courtship.
Romance and attachment take time and develop more slowly, and in a healthier way, when we are forced to engage in conversation...and, in the current world, we all have something important to talk about...so there’s more self-disclosure going on because people are talking about what they fear and hope...which is the stuff that makes for a sturdier partnership.
Another upside - If it’s only about the conversation(s) over video chat, it’s easier to sort out matches who are actually looking for a relationship rather than a hookup. Of course it doesn’t always work - connection is not guaranteed and you might encounter the occasional time waster. But, hey, pretty low stakes compared to expensive dates and cheap sex.
And - HUGE - the additional time spent in courtship, the slowing down that clarifies priorities and feelings that aren’t blurred by too-soon sex, having serious conversations that in a normal world might not show up for 6 months, may lead to happier, more enduring partnerships post-corona virus. Now that's what I call an upside.
Sure, physical attraction matters, but conversation is a most powerful attraction tool. Get creative, leverage novelty, be thoughtful about how to use this tool to carry out the particular function of helping you get to know someone. Then, if the video chats are going well, go for a socially-distant walk or something, and see what happens to the chemistry.
With time, conversation gets at who keeps defenses firmly in place and who doesn’t. Defenses aren’t “cool” or “mysterious” - they’re unattractive no matter how beautiful you are. Who wants to keep running into a wall? What on earth is interesting about a person who has nothing to say?
But if I find a man who says what matters to him, and why he cares, in two minutes he’s so beautiful I want to hug him! Or I’d at least want to keep video chatting with him!
I wish it didn’t take a pandemic to get us return to the slow burn, wooing approach to dating, to have more open and honest conversations before the kissing starts. But if we come out of it with more enduring partnerships, that would be truly wonderful.
Channeling “When Harry Met Sally” : ”Twenty years ago, it was the craziest of times...” “OMG, this is the best we-met-online story ever!” “If it wasn’t for the pandemic, I would’ve made the moves on her and might never have...” “I don’t know if I could’ve resisted, he’s soooo handsome...” “But our first date was on Zoom, and we did all this talking about Real things, I thought I’d get bored...” “I know, but it really was sexier than sex and I couldn’t wait for our next chat...throughout the day, we'd think of questions to ask...” “Yeah, I fell in love with her voice and her laugh and just the way she talked about things...” “He surprised me...” Leaning towards him with a smile, she says, “After our fourth video chat, we met in person to go for a walk and, I’ll never forget, he said, ‘Hello, Mystery.’” “And she said, ‘Hello, Adventure.’”
