Posted on:Jun 07 2021
Not long ago, a friend was over and we were chatting outside on the front porch swing. I was trying to describe this weird feeling I’d been having and the best I could come up with was, “It’s like I can’t find my starter switch.”
Interestingly she said she’d just read a NYT article about pretty much what I was trying to describe and she forwarded it to me. Sure enough, the article was titled: “There’s a Name for the Blah You’re Feeling - It’s Called Languishing.” With a similarly on-the-mark subtitle: “The neglected middle child of mental health can dull your motivation and focus—and it may be the dominant emotion of 2021” (authored by Adam Grant).
I guess “languishing” is why I’ve taken forever to write another blog. And perhaps why I seem less motivated to get to the 6:30am yoga class and keep Zooming it instead. And why just generally I’m moving through the day rather like I imagine the slog through molasses - I get through it passably, but with less direction, less zest, less motivation.
It’s not depression or hopelessness - I know what they feel like.
But “not depressed” doesn’t mean you’re not struggling.
And “not burned out” doesn’t mean you’re fired up.
I checked the dictionary - the definition I found is pretty spot-on: to become dispirited; to lose or lack vitality; to grow weak or feeble; to suffer from being forced to remain in an unpleasant place or situation.
At least that last piece of the definition is starting to ease up - yay, some normalcy! - which is partly why I’m noticing this feeling - more options are back on the table, no more hiding behind Covid. Get in gear, Robin.
In psychology, languishing inhabits the middle stretch of the spectrum between depression and flourishing. Depression is when you feel despondent, drained, and worthless. Flourishing is when you feel a strong sense of meaning, mastery, and mattering to others.
So, yeah, sort of drifting around in the middle...or looking through foggy glasses...not firing on all pistons...or whatever other analogy blows your hair back.
The author of this article thinks that languishing may be a bigger risk factor for mental illness than depression. That’s quite a statement. A sociologist named Corey Keyes came up with the term “languishing” because he was struck that many people who weren’t depressed also weren’t thriving.
The sneaky thing about languishing is that we might not notice this “dulling of delight or dwindling of drive.” It’s Subtle. It’s a slooooow slip into solitude. And when we can’t see our own suffering, we don’t seek help or even do much to help ourselves.
Not good.
Consider yourself lucky if you’re not languishing - maybe you can help someone who is. Either way, consider yourself now a bit more aware that this is a thing.
A favorite strategy of psychologists when it comes to managing emotions is to name them. Consider the word “grief” and how well it captured the loss of normalcy we experienced throughout the pandemic. Grief is a familiar word that helped us understand something unfamiliar—most of us have faced loss before but most of us haven’t experienced a pandemic before. Furthermore, drawing on past experiences that crystallized our resilience gives us confidence in our ability to face present adversity. Take some time to reflect, or journal, on your tough life experiences to remind yourself how you persevered.
And we should be on the lookout for this other thing...
“How are you?!”
“Great!”
Really??
Seriously, people, listen up: If there was ever a time to level our propensity for toxic positivity (you know, that American habit - read “pressure” - of being upbeat at all times), it’s now. I invite you to be a little more honest and thoughtful with your answer as we come out of this pandemic and start socializing more normally. Try a little more honesty, a little more vulnerability, admit that some things this past year were actually pretty darn tough.
So. What’s an antidote for languishing?
Find your flow. “Flow” happens when we’re so immersed in what we’re doing, we lose track of time. Apparently, during the pandemic, people who became more immersed in their projects and hobbies managed to avoid languishing and maintain their pre-pandemic happiness.
And to find your flow, you need uninterrupted time. Which was a problem long before the pandemic (i.e. checking email 83 times a day), and might’ve gotten worse with WFH, kids doing online school, 24/7 Zoom hours, that new pandemic puppy, etc.
Fragmented attention is enemy numero uno of engagement and excellence.
Set boundaries. Set a no interruptions schedule. How about three mornings a week for several hours. It has to be long enough to make actual progress on something because a sense of progress gives us joy and motivation and that sought-after flow.
If this thing called languishing strikes a chord, you’re not alone, and it’s absolutely okay to own it, shine a little light on it. You never know when you might be helping light the path for someone else.
Guess how I managed to get this blog written ?
You got it - I scheduled 3 hours of uninterrupted writing time! 😊
