Posted on:Feb 15 2021
I recently finished a great book, Growing Young: How Friendship, Optimism, and Kindness Can Help You Live To 100, by Marta Zaraska. All part of my "research" - for this blog in particular and my life in general. In the lingo, my passion project.
If Ms. Zaraska and I could sit down over coffee and chat, I think she’d agree I’ve upped my centenarian chances by organizing my Life Playbook around pursuing the many facets of creating a meaningful, purposeful life. Even though my running start didn’t consciously begin until I was almost 40. Better late than never. 😉
Of all the topics Ms. Zaraska covers in her book - how your mind talks to your body, why diet and exercise matter less than you think, loneliness, friendship, helping others, personality and emotions, meditation and mindfulness - the chapter titled, “The Gnawing Parasite of Loneliness” really struck me. More so in light of the current pandemic.
Even pre-pandemic, lonely people could walk into a “Cuddling Room” and spend ($52) time (an hour) with a personal hugger in your chosen cuddling position (the “menu” includes the kitty, the bear hug, the sailboat, the paddle). Ms. Zaraska indulged the experience and says once she relaxed, she found it quite pleasant, in a “shampooing-at-a-hair-salon” kind of way.
Currently, you can find a professional cuddling salon in Portland, Oregon, Austin, Texas, and scattered around California...I wonder if they’ll pop up all over in our post-covid world...
Regardless, the fact these quirky-odd cuddling shops even exist speaks to the fact that there’s a need, that Westerners are under-hugged, and some alarming social isolation stats support this reality. In the US, over a quarter of the population lives alone.
Of course, living alone doesn’t necessarily mean not getting enough hugs or not having enough social support. And there are plenty of married couples who go days, or longer, without hugging.
Personally, I find living alone motivates me to stay involved, stay active, stay connected - moping around the house with the TV as my companion is so not my thing - and, believe me, I look forward to the post-pandemic hug option!
The point that has stuck with me from this chapter is this : “While having physical contact with others and being integrated in the community are vital to our health and longevity, the objective quality of our relationships is only part of the story. What matters almost as much is what we think about our social lives, how we perceive them.”
“On paper you may seem to be doing well in the friendship and family department, but if you consider yourself lonely, your centenarian potential will suffer.”
This distinction between loneliness and social isolation is both real and really important, so let’s walk further into it.
Loneliness is subjective. It’s a feeling that there is no one there for you - not friends, not family, not a romantic partner, not a neighbor. None of the above.
Social isolation is objective. There truly is no one out there for you.
You can be surrounded by family and yet feel lonely. You can be married yet feel profoundly lonely, not understood.
On the flip side, you could be living alone in a yurt in the wilderness of Alaska and not experience one iota of the “gnawing parasite" of loneliness.
I appreciated learning a bit of the evolution of loneliness - turns out we have likely evolved to feel lonely from time to time, it used to be good for us! Who knew?
According to Dr. John Cacioppo, a U of Chicago neuroscientist who focused his career on the study of loneliness, loneliness is like hunger and thirst. As with hunger and thirst, loneliness is a signal that something has gone awry in our lives, something we should change fast.
When we’re hungry or thirsty, we should look for food or water.
When we’re lonely, we should seek connection with others.
Here’s how Dr. Cacioppo explained the physiological switch: Fifty thousand years ago on the African savanna, you get kicked out of the tribe over a disagreement. You’re on your own, truly objectively alone, and at risk of becoming a lion’s next meal. You run around, maybe get scratched by thorny acacia bushes, maybe scuffle with some predators, while looking for a place to hide, and - if you survive - your body needs to start fighting infection (from all those scratches, or worse). Your body needs to switch to a better antibacterial response. When we’re part of a tribe, it’s easily-spread viral infections your body is ready to take on, but when you’re on your own, this feeling of loneliness switches on your “alone on the savanna/fight infection/survival mode.”
We evolved to toggle between social/antiviral and alone/antibacterial. Back in the day, that could’ve prevented you from losing a limb, or your life, to gangrene.
Pretty cool.
As you might imagine, a biological consequence of loneliness is troubled sleep. While deep z’s alone on the savanna isn’t a good idea, in our world, fragmented and restless sleep take a serious physical toll. We might prefer to blame bad sleep on smartphones and crazy work schedules, but it may be our lonely bodies are in savanna survival mode, keeping us on that fight-or-flight edge.
In our evolutionary past, pangs of loneliness may have served to save our lives - they induced a beneficial anti-wound, anti-predator biological response that made us hunger for connection. Those pangs said, "Go back to the tribe, ask forgiveness and inclusion."
Also, loneliness of the past tended to not last long. These days, though, we remain lonely for long periods, well past the point of any benefits.
So here’s a take-away : understanding this mechanism of loneliness can help lead you out of it. This understanding can lead you to change your mindset about feeling lonely, because there isn’t something wrong with you - it’s an evolutionary biological response designed to help you.
This is good news. It’s not that you’re unlovable, it’s the lonely state trying to toggle/promote self-preservation. If loneliness leads us astray and locks us into negative patterns of thinking, cognitive behavioral therapy is an option to help change these patterns - the subjective feeling of loneliness can be decreased, even if you don’t make a single new friend.
I just happen to think that as we toggle our thinking back on track and shake off the gnawing parasite of loneliness, we will in fact make a new friend or two. 😊
