Posted on:Dec 22 2020
Where the heck is my mojo?
Has yours gone missing too?
Maybe there’s a secret mojo party going on and we’re not invited until this pandemic is over.
I don’t know about you, but I’m not waiting around. I’m going to take steps right now to find my mojo and do my best to keep it dialed in for the duration. Because this other thing that’s going on? Ugh. Decidedly unsexy.
Seriously, do you even remember your pre-pandemic morning routine, your get-ready-for-the-day rituals, that final check in the mirror for a flash of badass before you head out for your day?
We shouldn’t be surprised that our mojo’s gone missing - after all, we don’t like how we look, we’re hanging around in our schlubbiest clothes, we’ve packed on some pandemic poundage, we’re hairier and maybe smellier too !
We’re not out in the world, doing the things that give us confidence, like travel or our hobbies or whatever turbos your charger.
We’ve been deprived of sooo many daily moments of connection - the chitchat and conversations, the smiles, the glances - that make us feel energized and alive. In my “Kiss Fewer Frogs?” blog, I mentioned that pre-pandemic I didn’t mind being single, not least because of all those daily moments of connection. Some days I think I’m going bonkers! My mood flatlines without those interactions and it takes extra effort these days to jumpstart it.
For those of you in a relationship, you’re not alone if your pandemic sex life leaves something to be desired. Even if you’re not fighting with your partner, you might be a little sick of the person you’re cooped up with 24/7. All that familiarity is like a cold shower.
Seriously, though, we should be careful about letting our sex lives slide. Sex connects us to our partner. It relieves stress (for those in a satisfying relationship) and it makes us happier. It can even boost our productivity.
How can we get our mojo back? Well, as it turns out, we’re a clever species. In my reading, I learned that people are spicing things up with new toys, having sex everywhere but in the bedroom (the kitchen island will never be the same), and practicing “a whole lot of self love.”
Hats off to the woman in Northern California who keeps a stripper pole in her bedroom to seduce her husband. And to the stay-at-home dad in New England who sneaks off to his wife’s home office for “matinees” while the kids are in online classes. Or the academic in Indiana who has a drawer full of “special” underwear, some sexy, some silly. (His current favorite: a unicorn brief!)
Mojo matters, people, and it doesn’t just happen - it requires effort and attention, and a playful sense of adventure and humor doesn’t hurt either. That fizzy, zesty feeling is fun! It’s our personal magic charm.
Even if you’re not in a relationship now, you might be someday, and you want to be ready - imagine the post-pandemic roaring celebrations!
Or, if you could give a hoot about being in a relationship, it’s still fun (and healthy for our self-esteem) to hum with that feeling of, “Yeah, I got this, I’m rockin’ my best blue jeans and my favorite Frye shooties, it's a good hair day and I'm feelin' pretty spicey!”
So that’s a great first step : dress for success. Get out of your sweatpants! Get a haircut! Take a shower! Put on some clothes that make you feel good, spend an extra minute or three on your hair and face. This creates a nice feedback loop with your partner: Feeling more attractive opens you up to feel more desire, and by putting in the effort to be attractive, it can lead to your partner responding.
Another step : interact with the world. We’re starved for connection, we’re used to interacting with people all day long—strangers, co-workers, friends, and family. Those interactions fed our need for bonding and kept our moods from tanking. That’s all gone away.
What to do? Reconnect. Schedule times in the week to talk to friends. Chat up the store clerks or customer service reps (not in a creepy way). Give some compliments. Try to make someone smile (even if you can’t see it). Social interactions can make you feel energized and confident. Spread a little joy and see if that doesn’t give you a little glow.
Then there’s this : build space in your relationship. If you’ve been in WFH mode these past months, being enmeshed with your partner 24/7 is a buzzkill. Independence is sexy. Mystery breeds desire. (Ask some retirees!)
Find ways to do things without your partner. Go for a walk. Read a book. Find a hobby you can enjoy safely. Whatever it is, you’re looking for something to create breathing room in your relationship, something that makes you feel refreshed and fulfilled, and gives you something new to talk about.
If you’re craving romance, make it happen. Plan a nice dinner and eat it by candlelight. Dance in the moonlight to a favorite song. Turn off your phones and make eye contact.
Given how stressed and exhausted we are all the time, you may have to rethink how you initiate sex, you may have to put it on your calendar (remember date nights?). Aim for a time when you’re both likely to be in the mood. Flirt more often. Play music more often. Do nice things for your partner more often.
And, hey, try something new. Novelty works - it boosts arousal and desire. Get creative. This pandemic is the perfect excuse.
So yeah, I think mojo matters whether you're in a relationship or not. Of course it's easier to stay in your mojo zone when you have a real person nearby who revs your engine - absent a hottie, it's so easy to say, "who cares?" and stay in those shlubby clothes and that flatline mood and completely lose touch with our unique effervescence.
Put some effort into reigniting your spark, however that fits your current situation.
You’ll feel better, I promise. And 2021 is just around the corner...
